Lesson 5 – Worth it?

Um… So, this homework assignment and I, didn’t quite get along LOL. I truly found writing this piece a little frustrating. Not that I couldn’t do it, but rather, I felt it a little hard not, showing through dialogue or narration ‘what’ the issue or dilemma is/was etc. Maybe, I should not have added narration to the dialogue? If you think it’s not as it should be, I could post my shorter piece and see which one works best.

Anyways, guys ‘n’ dolls, if you please 😉 Allow your eyes to scroll down my post and I’d love to know your thoughts, and critiques about how I did for this lesson 5 homework and if you can guess, ‘WHAT’ it’s all about 🙂

Lesson 5 – Worth it?

~~

“So, I’ve arranged for us to go meet with Gill, at 3pm.”

“Oh.” Jessy’s grip tightened around the broom handle, “Okay, sounds good.”

“Do you want to call the sitter and ask her to pick Jack up from school? Peter kicked off his shoes, and set the pile of paperwork on the table.

Jenny rolled her eyes, “Um, sure, I guess so.” She glanced at his dirty shoes laying on her clean floor. Bending down, she swept the pile of crumbs up.

“You guess so? Peter opened the fridge, grabbed a beer, pulled back the tab and took a long swig. “Ah… Just what I needed. You know we don’t have all the time in the world to get this sorted out.” He sat down at the table, and spread the paperwork across it.

“Sorry Hun. I’ve just been so busy with arranging and cleaning the house. I’ve been at it all day and I’m a little worn out.” She tipped the full dustpan into the trash. “Give me five, then I give the sitter a call.”

“When you have a minute, come take a look at these, we have to take our top three with us, when we meet with Gill.”

Wrapping the telephone cord around her finger, pulling it a little tighter each time, she answered, “Sure Hun.” She hung up the phone, grabbed her glass of water, walked over to the dinner table and sat next to Peter, “SO… What do we have here?” She scanned the numerous printouts, as a sigh escaped her lips.

“This is so exciting, don’t you think.” He looked at his wife. Huh, she did look a little tired, maybe she has been working hard lately, he thought. He smiled, “This will change everything for the better, I’d say, don’t you agree?” Then he took another long swig of his beer.

She picked up a couple of pictures, scrunched her eyebrows as she scrutinized them,“These look good, don’t you think?”

“Nice, but not quite to my liking. We don’t have much time before we need to leave.” He shuffled some pictures around, picked up two, “How about these? They look great, don’t you think.”

She glanced at the three pictures in his hands, smiled, “Nice.” She tilted her head a little, her eyes watched as a squirrel scurried across the grass and ran up the tree.

“How about these two, Jen? They look good, ticks off everything we’re looking for, don’t you think? Um…  Should we just take the first three or take all five?”

Her fingers picked and twisted at the hem of her shirt, “They look wonderful, let’s take all five, we can make the final decision at Gills.” Her eyes fell upon the flower beds and how her careful planning last spring had paid off this summer, as the vibrant pops of color encircled the whole garden’s edge.

Peter slipped his shoes back on, grabbed the paperwork, “Okay, grab your things,” he scooped up his keys and cell, “If we don’t leave now, we’ll get stuck in school traffic.” No answer, he spoke louder,  “Jenny, are you listening?” He quizzed.

Hearing her name, broke her reverie, “Huh, did you say something?” She glanced in Peter’s direction.

“Earth to Mrs. Daydream… Go grab your purse and let’s head out.” He chuckled.

Peter looked at Jenny, her eyes did seem a little darker, maybe she should get more sleep he thought. “You go get your shoes on, I’ll grab your purse and meet you in the truck.”

Jenny stood up off her chair, put the half empty glass in the sink and gave it a quick swill, leaving it to dry on the side. She then ambled her way down the hallway, glancing at the photographs that hung on the wall. Opening the door to the coat closet, she popped her pumps on and headed outside. Just as she stepped onto the front porch, Peter honked the horn.

“I’ma coming, Geez hold your horses!” She hollered, then followed with a quick smile.

“What took you so long? How long does it take to put a pair of shoes on?” He backed the truck out of the driveway and down the street.

Running her hand across the leather dash, she asked, “Will you miss this?”

With a quick glance at her, he answered, “Nope… I can’t wait. This will be amazing, I mean, come on Jen, look at the opportunity were having, no-one get this chance every day.” He grabbed her hand, lifted it to his lips and placed a quick kiss upon it. “You’ve got to agree, this is a once in a lifetime deal, let’s just embrace it.”

Her other hand gripped the side of the seat, her fingernails dug into the leather, “Yeah, you’re right. We won’t get another chance like this, do you think Jack, will like it?”

“For sure. I mean, who wouldn’t like it. This is going to be quite the adventure and well worth it.” Peter turned the radio on then started to sing along with the song that played, “London Calling to the faraway towns…”

Peter was clearly enjoying singing along with the song, so, Jenny turned her head, watched the trees whiz by, as fresh tears quietly trickled down her cheeks.

Copyright 2014 Freckles. All Rights Reserved.

About freckles

I'm a redheaded Welsh lass from Wales - Great Britian. The past nearly 10 yrs I have lived in the US and at the moment live in Wisconsin while my hubby is getting his masters. Me, I am trying to finish my 1st draft of a novel while running around after my 4yr old and 2 yr old as well as doing this course :) I love cooking, writing. Crafts, movies and music. I have 7 children & 2 granddaughters!! I know I look too young - Well, I am lol (well not quite 18 yrs old..anymore lol)
This entry was posted in Lesson 5 and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Lesson 5 – Worth it?

  1. Celestine says:

    Good, Freckles, I love your easy-going free style. Your use of beats to enliven the piece is nice. May be you should consider differentiating beats from dialogue tags in the use of commas and points. Example: (Jessy’s grip tightened around the broom handle,** “Oh, okay, sounds good.”)
    (She picked up a couple and scrutinized them,** “This looks good?”)
    It’s an interesting piece. Great!

    • freckles says:

      Thank you, Celestine. Myself, I love to read, easy going novels, although a good action/fast paced can be a welcome change too. I guess to be a great writer, we as writers need to read across the board. That way we can get a good sense of what’s out there and for us to find, ‘our’ writing style. Thank you for the good suggestions, I am still getting to grips with those. They are my weakness :/ (as well as chocolate LOL…. I guess we all have our little weakness, that we need to work on. I’ve made a couple of changes to the sentences you mentioned, take a peek and let me know. If I bombed again, I’d appreciate an example from you, that way I can learn from my mistakes 🙂

  2. ester.s.mingot says:

    I liked the dialogue but it got me a bit confused. I don’t really understand what is it that they’re talking about, although maybe it’s a language issue.
    In any case, I think you managed to convey the character’s feelings about whaterver it is they’re discussing!
    🙂

    • freckles says:

      For this lesson 5’s homework, we had to write dialogue, without saying, showing, or telling you, the reader, ‘WHAT’ the issue/problem, Etc. This is why maybe you were a little confused — They were talking about Moving. Moving to another Country. I did leave a little hint, when Peter, the husband started to sing, “Londons Calling the faraway towns.” Thank you for your kind comments 🙂

      • ester.s.mingot says:

        Oh… That makes much more sense to me now!
        Yes, I know, we should’t say… But it’s so hard!
        You did a great job!
        😉

  3. csf2911 says:

    I really enjoyed this piece. I could relate to it, the dialogue between husband and wife. I could tell that they were wanting to move to another house at least because of the way that the wife was enjoying little things about the house and taking so long to do housework. It was great. My only issue was some missing punctuation here and there. Keep up the good work.

    • freckles says:

      Thank you 🙂 I actually know how my character feels, having moved to the USA twice (Second time, I stayed) As far as missing punctuation, please can you point out, ‘where’ for me. This is where I have hiccups from time to time.

  4. Hana says:

    Hi Freckles – this is another one for the “save” file. Very good. You did what the homework assignment asked, not telling the reader directly about a character’s true feeling but showing those feelings by using subtext (though, it looks like it would probably be OK to tell the “what”, if you wanted). It is clear in the story that he is excited and she is uncertain, maybe a little scared. I figured out the moving part and thought it was clear. Then after reading your response to Ester, the other country part came into good focus too.

  5. carrots says:

    Great work, Freckles! I liked this a lot.
    The hints you gave were enough to see they were moving-I personally think. Although, the only part that had me confused was where she said, “Let’s take all five…” I don’t really understand what they were talking about there. When they were looking at pictures, I got the feeling they were looking at houses. But then they said, “all five,” and I wasn’t sure again.
    But no matter! You got the point across and that was the assignment! Well done!

    • freckles says:

      Thank you, Carrorts:) ‘all five’ is, when she told him to just take ‘all five’ pictures/paperwork (which, were the real estate flyers for each apartment.) It would have been so much easier, to let the reader know ‘what’ they were, but that would of defeated the object of the lesson LOL. I did go back and add a few more words, so the whole sentence flows a little better, How is NaNoWriMo, going?

  6. Anna2987 says:

    Great job! I liked how you waited until the very end to drop the final hint that they were moving. Very nice touch. As I was reading, I kept wanting to read more and more to figure out what was going on…so it definitely kept me interested. Well done!

    • freckles says:

      Thank you Anna, I greatly enjoy your comments 🙂 I try to write with the reader in mind, including myself (as most of us do). I wanted a tiny hint at the end, and thought ‘how’ I could incorperate it — I love to listen to music when I’m writing, in my que popped, London’s Calling! There was my hint — Great timing right 🙂 Even though I found lesson five frustrating to write, the more I re-read my post, the more I enjoy it. Which, led me to explore the story further 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.